how fucking awesome
to be here again, to be
back.

each new quantum birth
of myself, in, and from
myself brings such
remarkable peace, such tremendous
ambition, such incredible
wisdom
and grace.

and i can't laugh too much
at myself, hell, i kind of dig
and respect the fact of how foolish
i am, holding on, believing so wrong, fucking
sharp fists cutting and kicking, backed
into the corner, refusing to let
go, even when we know
that it's only me
begging us
to stop acting like an ass...the next
new perfectly brilliant
is patiently
waiting.

and i am soaring
now, god how i've missed this, this pure
so god-damn fucking
pure, the divine and delicious flash
of the diamond kissing
goodbye to the coal state, and
i know that this is just the beginning
of the next chapter of, my growing, of,
my being, of my growing inside of my being, and that yes
this time ( like always ) will be so much better
than all of the rest, and that yes
each time it does get
just a little bit more wonderful, just a little bit
closer to forever, this time is just another
new beginning - i know - but just let me
enjoy this, let me just sing
how fucking awesome it is
to be here
again, how fucking awesome it is
to be
back.

and like i was with her, i seem to
realize the truth of things,
some certain things, long after
they already are and
have been.

( it is the year of the ox and ) i
apparently have misjudged this
to be some very different time, i am now
well aware and grateful for this season, with just
a few small months
left to go.

but she has always been
so much more
practical, and according
to schedule
than i am.

i
believed for several
many and long months that she
could still find magic
and laughter
in loving me, but that was ( if )
so very many
months ago
at best,
or
at all.

and now as i let her, my false
and beautiful version of her, fall
away and back into some
distant time, i wonder
who she is, or was becoming,
all along, and during the while
i so loved her, and who
if any or some real thing
was she or that, which
i had dreamfelt all of those
so many moments, that were truly elsewhere ticking
in such deep and far between
universes, where, with her back to me,
and moving somewhere so
curiously else, i was
just chasing
echo.

but oh well, better
great better late
than never, i
suppose.
and now i am
happy, happy to be,
building forward again, in love
with loving again, breathing in
the full awe and gasp
of the sun rising up
and with me, and breathing out
every stretch and flicker
of the stars floating down
and with me, each now
morning and new
night.

such a lovely day, so
warm so
quiet and
warm,
and such is the feeling in my heart.

i sent her delirious
love and support
in electric
sentences, it was
a sudden burst
of joy, of
my antique
and precious freedom, i
thought her ready
to understand it, but she
did not seem to notice, only
asking if
everything
was ok?

and it's funny now, how lost i let
myself become, how drunk
in my own confusion, ( after )
how numb i'd been
in my disregard,
looking back now, though
and smiling, she did
know one particular thing, such and
so much more than me,
that we
would not be together, and that
she somehow such
much more than me
knew that we
were not together
when we were, and silly, how silly
little me always thought that somewhere
we were, that somewhere
we could
and would be.