Don't expect to be understood.

who I am right now, burst
violently
out of some strange cocoon when
I was twelve
years old.

I had just lost my virginity, was
madly in love, had my heart
broken almost
immediately and then almost
as immediately found
"letters to a young poet" and thank
you RMR for that candle threaded
sinewed and titanic
hand from beyond.

at times I wonder how
I survived it.
such raw and terrible
beautiful everything erupting
from the inside out and the skin
of that shaking burning boy gasping
to somehow keep it
in.

it almost brings me to tears to
go back
there.
It so decisively informs me
that if any god does truly exist, how immense
the loneliness in such a soul, loneliness
in such a certain way.

I've been trying to make
this understood ever
since, and in
delirious and brilliant
and self-comfortilluminating
amusement, and
there are not millions dead
in my
name.

and I know my friends
know and
love me, and I know
that my friends do not
know (to) and
love
this.

and to be awoken
in the thunder and heartbeat of infinity,
to suddenly come to, in full choking beyond
full conscious in the birth and streaming veins
of eternity, can be
a mighty and fucking
startling experience.
and then, to have that
experience pound and stomp
in the echo and marrow of your molecules in every
limitless moment since, is a quite
and obtuse existence to sufficiently
express or adequately manifest
to the world or external
perception that is purported
or painted to be
life.

but, I would not trade this
for anything, it is my
and it is all
of thing(s).

so fucking strange though,
so fucking strange, if only
I could share the passing rushing
of this and the destination it achieves
which are both subsequently simultaneous, in
when ( the ) I look out out from, and am in
myself, in that quiet of myself, locked
and blazing in the utter-such being of this.

and
if any of this makes sense, you'll surely
notice it when I peel back from the breathing of my
presence in the present, and smolder soft in the
paralysis in the overwhelming
all surging of this, study
me as I meander our here, and
you'll see it, I
hope, but
then again
no shock and nothing lost
if you don't.