how fucking awesome
to be here again, to be
back.

each new quantum birth
of myself, in, and from
myself brings such
remarkable peace, such tremendous
ambition, such incredible
wisdom
and grace.

and i can't laugh too much
at myself, hell, i kind of dig
and respect the fact of how foolish
i am, holding on, believing so wrong, fucking
sharp fists cutting and kicking, backed
into the corner, refusing to let
go, even when we know
that it's only me
begging us
to stop acting like an ass...the next
new perfectly brilliant
is patiently
waiting.

and i am soaring
now, god how i've missed this, this pure
so god-damn fucking
pure, the divine and delicious flash
of the diamond kissing
goodbye to the coal state, and
i know that this is just the beginning
of the next chapter of, my growing, of,
my being, of my growing inside of my being, and that yes
this time ( like always ) will be so much better
than all of the rest, and that yes
each time it does get
just a little bit more wonderful, just a little bit
closer to forever, this time is just another
new beginning - i know - but just let me
enjoy this, let me just sing
how fucking awesome it is
to be here
again, how fucking awesome it is
to be
back.

and like i was with her, i seem to
realize the truth of things,
some certain things, long after
they already are and
have been.

( it is the year of the ox and ) i
apparently have misjudged this
to be some very different time, i am now
well aware and grateful for this season, with just
a few small months
left to go.

but she has always been
so much more
practical, and according
to schedule
than i am.

i
believed for several
many and long months that she
could still find magic
and laughter
in loving me, but that was ( if )
so very many
months ago
at best,
or
at all.

and now as i let her, my false
and beautiful version of her, fall
away and back into some
distant time, i wonder
who she is, or was becoming,
all along, and during the while
i so loved her, and who
if any or some real thing
was she or that, which
i had dreamfelt all of those
so many moments, that were truly elsewhere ticking
in such deep and far between
universes, where, with her back to me,
and moving somewhere so
curiously else, i was
just chasing
echo.

but oh well, better
great better late
than never, i
suppose.
and now i am
happy, happy to be,
building forward again, in love
with loving again, breathing in
the full awe and gasp
of the sun rising up
and with me, and breathing out
every stretch and flicker
of the stars floating down
and with me, each now
morning and new
night.

such a lovely day, so
warm so
quiet and
warm,
and such is the feeling in my heart.

i sent her delirious
love and support
in electric
sentences, it was
a sudden burst
of joy, of
my antique
and precious freedom, i
thought her ready
to understand it, but she
did not seem to notice, only
asking if
everything
was ok?

and it's funny now, how lost i let
myself become, how drunk
in my own confusion, ( after )
how numb i'd been
in my disregard,
looking back now, though
and smiling, she did
know one particular thing, such and
so much more than me,
that we
would not be together, and that
she somehow such
much more than me
knew that we
were not together
when we were, and silly, how silly
little me always thought that somewhere
we were, that somewhere
we could
and would be.

scissors in the sun
gentle as i cut the cloth
for this great new horizon.

triumphantly special and quietly delicious
tomorrow winks farewell at today
and neither are suspicious.

and as far as i know there is no cure
for the work and toil while in it
the bounty still glows -
endure.

love, life, grace and bliss
i hold the hug strong for a moment
on what i am departing, but sweetly, i know
none of this is a that to miss, instead it's more
the anticipation
( in a partially sewn horizon ) of
the next impending
newfirst
kiss.

and no,
i have no great
gospel or epiphany
to confess.
the metaphysical hubris of youth
has acquired the bounty of accumulated days, I have
aged, I am less quick, less incendiary, more
stretched, more lean, more inclined
to less talk and more, much more
quarrantined thought, and
i am quite at peace
with this.

and no no, i am still quite
religious and fervent in my
embrace of all that cannot be touched (
but touched in all feeling with effort )
it's just that, i seem to have become more organic, more
homogenous, more local in my relation to
all that is
and shall always be divine.

what i mean to say is that, i much
more care for the beautiful children i see wearing
the brilliant faces of my beloved friends, much more
care for the dream of my own children, my own goodness
to a bride not yet found, and to the revolutionary pageantry
of domestic paganism, than with dwindling
intentions left
to become the understudy
for the role of god.

things are
good, life is
good, and everything that i need to be i
can. everything that i dream will and might
occur and if and when it does, do not be alarmed if
there is no poem pursuant to, that blows
the balls or tits off your soul
to confirm it.

i wonder when i will think of you, years
from now and what
i will think.
i wonder if what you
gave was free from fear i think
it was, but you are
you, and that is
that.

little girl in so many ways and grey nun in
so many others.
no sundays left my dear in this old
church of me.
so it is a shame, perhaps, that
this is done now, or it is a shame perhaps
that this ever was.

but fuck it, all in the blink
of a day, in the sudden
and incredible flash
of a lifetime.
we were, and i suppose,
that
had it's reason.

and as i play in real time
the rewind of this
slow motion detonation, i have
to enjoy the absurdity of ever thinking
we could share
similar togethers
of any similar
and gentle
forevers.

and she likes me
only in circles
and only
on the whim of her occassion.
and as always if there is
much work for little joy
and there is no vlaue left for you to propose
then the circle
will not unravel will not
break linear.

and you are
a beautiful mess, to me at
least, bits and pieces of who I loved mixed
with someone that I do not know, and who cares little
for more.

and so I stretch, laugh-yawning, tossing
this silly leash into the fresh smile of the sun.

and it's now less riddle than history, less flame more
dim, as I watch you fall away, as I let you fall far
and away, and I stand
up, unclutter aching and sore
joints exhausted from months of bended knee, and
this freedom excites me, to be so free of you,
you who I would have given my world to, but with so many
stars in such great space, there is no reason
left, to wish
on any flash of light in your orbit, be well
my dear
be well.